Perspectives

If you’re a parent and have kids back in school then summer is officially over!! ?I want to cry about this fact and shout for joy about it all at the same time! Once the kids are busy from 8:30-3:30 it gives one time to pause and gain perspective over the past, present, and future of the next 10 months, a look back at what was and wasn’t accomplished over the summer and and then a look at the present when one says, “Oh shit!, will?we be able to get this and that done while the kids are at school!” and the hope towards the future of how much they will learn and grow and will this be a great year for them etc. My guess is that every person/parent has a different perspective when asked about there feelings regarding this subject. I think everyone who finds out about their cancer stage and diagnosis has a different perspective on?how to deal with this news.

When I was first told, roughly 2 1/2 years ago that I only had so much time to live it gave me a new lease on the ?current life I was living. I now had a real deadline to accomplish a few things I had on the old bucket list. Travel here, visit people there, renew some friendships while working on current relationships, make time to walk my dog, or read more bedtime stories to my kids, or visit my grandmother more often, or go to sleep with dishes in the sink so that I could go out for ice cream with my family, or leave the bed unmade in the morning so that I could crawl right back in it and no one would be the wiser. I could drink champagne all day or eat Twinkies and Hoho’s all day becasue I only had at the most 18-24 months. And as many say to me that I deserve to enjoy life, have experiences, travel, spend time with your kids, go shopping, etc.. they sometimes don’t realize the effect all of this has on the patient and their loved ones.

Well dear friends, I have made it longer than 24 months and this is what I have taken from this experience. Remember this is my perspective and how I view the situation I am in and may differ greatly from anyone reading. I have learned that I don’t like being in a “grey” zone. ?For me, this is a most uncomfortable place. I am a fairly go with the flow type person and don’t mind making and adjusting to change(s), but when learning that I have surpassed my date makes me extremely happy one moment and wanting to cry and be angry the next. Being able to be around longer for my children thrills me beyond belief but you see I also see the constant worry in their eyes when a new health situation arises, or when both them and I notice the stress that my husband is feeling, and the question that I struggle with a lot is who am I now? Where are some of the people that were here for me in the beginning when everything was crazy but aren’t here for me now. I understand that it can be uncomfortable for them and maybe they don’t know how to approach me or reach out, but living in a world where you can check in with someone without ever seeing them face to face is an option, why haven’t they? Do they think that I am cured? Do they think that maybe I have passed on? You see I think that this “grey zone” or “limbo” place is such an unknown place. Sometimes my own family doesn’t know how to deal with me nor do I know how to

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